Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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