I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
