Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
