I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
