I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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