Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
