i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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