Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
