I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
