I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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