Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
