i need an iv and a liver transplant
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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