I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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