mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
