I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
