How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Randomize
