the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
