Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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