Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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