Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
