you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
