i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
