Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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