I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The air taste purple.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
