took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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