TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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