with your own penis?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
