I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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