Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
