plz talk dirty to me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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