I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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