you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
