Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
