Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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