I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
