I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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