If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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