Please, let me fuck your mom
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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