I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
