sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Less talking, more tequila
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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