M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
