I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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