Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
