Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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