i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
