Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
