After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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