Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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