piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
