I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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