i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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