So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
